Gigging

I had a couple of gigs recently after a long hiatus.  They went fine but I wasn't really satisfied with how I played, so I did some journal work to see what was present underneath.  Here is a little of what came up:

Haven't practiced much lately - chops are rusty. I need to do some   “shedding.”

  I want to step out - but don't want to be alone.  I love to play and really want to play well - share that with others, both the musicians and those listening.  It is about belonging for me; belonging to the group and belonging to the world; where my place in the mix matters and makes a difference; that the music isn't quite the same without my voice.  When I'm not alive in the music, the music is not alive.  When I feel small or diminished by the brilliance of those I'm playing with I just go through the motions.  Something is missing because I'm missing.  I think people know this - maybe not consciously but they are not drawn to it the way they are when there is "real presence" - the kind of presence that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up or evokes the memory of something you’d forgotten.

Perhaps this is a metaphor for life.  Seems like many of us are just going through the motions - just trying to make it through the gig - no aliveness there because we are not alive.  How would the world look if we were alive and present?  How would that music sound if we knew we all belonged and that our part was essential.  Perhaps if we really listened we would hear the music calling our name - like a lover who yearned for us body and soul; that our voice could bring the world alive.


As I think about this I am reminded of the words "be the change you want to see in the world."  When I'm really present I'm not thinking about how I sound.  I'm listening to or for something - though I only realized this now.  What I'm not listening to is the Wounded Child who feels small, inadequate or mediocre – although he is still there.  But rather to something that is being coaxed from me because it is needed at this time.  When this is happening there is a sense of freedom, exploration and discovery, as if I am being used for some purpose beyond simply my own agenda.

On a few occasions I’ve had the experience of being outside myself as I played.  Though still in my body, my fingers and mouth were working by themselves, and I was listening to the music and observing it all from a different place. It was extraordinary.  Almost like being inside and outside it at the same time.

I just realized the gift of the Wounded Child.  He allows me to feel deeply the pain of the world, and when embraced by Wholeness he is a resource that emboldens me to act on behalf of those in pain.  Sometimes that action may be as simple as putting my soul into a piece of music and playing it with as much presence and love as I can.  Another way to say it is he helps me to “show up.”